BOW and SCRAPE
BOW: His royal highness is looking glum.
SCRAPE: (rubbing his hands with glee) Excellent. No girl wants a glum chum.
BOW: (laughs) A sad lad.
SCRAPE: (laughs more) A mellow fellow.
BOW: He’s looking this way. (They immediately sober up and stand at attention.)
SCRAPE: Do you think he knows?
BOW: What about his nose?
SCRAPE: No, does he know our plan?
BOW: Our Noah plan? Are we building an ark?
SCRAPE: No, our plan. For the royal coffers.
BOW: They make such a noise. Coughing and sneezing and blowing their nose in public. Ah, that’s the nose part.
SCRAPE: Not coughers. (coughs to demonstrate) Coffers. As in coins, jewels, money money money.
BOW: (brightening at the idea) Money?
BOW & SCRAPE: (brief dance) Money makes the world go around, the world go around, the world go – oops!
(AIRWICK looks their way – they suddenly stand at attention.)
SCRAPE: If princy-wincy over there doesn’t marry by his next birthday, he will lose control of all of that money-wunny and it can all be used by his ministers-winisters.
BOW: Lucky guys.
SCRAPE: Idiot. We went over this in Scene 4. We are the ministers.
BOW: Oh right. (then with joy) Oh! Right!
SCRAPE: So if any girly-wirlys try to get kissy-wissy, you know what we have to do?
BOW: Kiss them back?
SCRAPE: Kick them out! Get it?
BOW: Got it.
BOW, SCRAPE, KATY AND SHELLIE
SCRAPE: We are here on a special task. We are looking for a… someone.
SHELLIE: Really? Is this someone a girl?
BOW: (Nods) A pretty one.
SCRAPE: Yes, actually. The girl the prince was dancing with last night. Didn’t she arrive with you?
SHELLIE: Yes, but she left on her own. We haven’t seen her since.
KATY: In fact, we’ve been on her tail ourselves.
BOW: Tail? She has a tail?
SHELLIE: She meant trail. And we don’t have any idea where she went.
KATY: That’s why we’re trying to find her now.
BOW: What a coincidence. We’re trying to find her, too.
SCRAPE: Let’s approach this logically. Say I’m an attractive young woman-
BOW and KATY: You’re an attractive young woman.
SHELLIE: Saying it doesn’t make it true. I’d say you need some work done.
SCRAPE: Not me, you fools! I mean, if I were a young lady who just left the ball in a huff, where would I go? (They all ponder.)
BOW: Hmmm, to get a snack?
SCRAPE: Yes! Now where would a girl like that go to eat?
KATY: Probably the reef.
SCRAPE: Is that a restaurant?
KATY: No, the actual reef, where the mermai–
SHELLIE: She really likes seafood. The fresher the better! (Glares at Katy) But she was upset when she left the ball. I’m sure she wouldn’t have wanted anything to eat. (To Katy) At The Reef!
KATY: Right. Not hungry. For seafood. Or anything.
SCRAPE: Fine. Let’s put on our thinking caps. There must be a logical answer.
BOW: (To Katy) Is that your thinking cap? I think it looks good on you.
CALYPSO AND AIRWICK
CALYPSO: (As they arrive at shore) Okay, we’re here. You’re safe now. Hello? (He doesn’t respond. She slaps him with her hand. No response. She slaps him with her tail, then hides it.)
AIRWICK: Whoa, what’s that horrible fishy – Stunner eyes.
CALYPSO: Are you alright?
AIRWICK: You? You saved my life?
CALYPSO: I guess.
AIRWICK: Thank you.
CALYPSO: I’m glad you’re okay.
AIRWICK: I’m more than okay.
AIRWICK: In fact, right now I’m pretty terrific. May I ask my pretty rescuer’s name?
AIRWICK: CALYPSO. Perfect.
CALYPSO: Are you “human”?
AIRWICK: I was going to ask you the same question.
CALYPSO: (hiding her tail) You were?
AIRWICK: You’re not human, are you? (CALYPSO bites her lip.) You’re an angel. I’ve died and gone to heaven. Someone pinch me.
CALYPSO: No, no, you’re alive. See? (She pinches him. He shouts out, then laughs.) What’s your name?
AIRWICK: Huh? Oh. I’m Airwick.
CALYPSO: Sorry, did you say “Eric”?
AIRWICK: No, Airwick. (striking a pose) They call me Airwick the Solid.
CALYPSO: Mmmm. . . Smells nice.
CALYPSO and DON CODLEONE
DON: (best Marlon Brando impression) What’s the matter, bambina? How can I help?
CALYPSO: Oh Codfather, no-one can help me. I’ve met a man – a human– and I love him very much. But nothing can come of it. He lives on land, and I. . .
DON: You sleep with da fishes?
CALYPSO: If only there were some way I could become a complete human being myself. But it’s hopeless. Completely hopeless.
DON: This man. Does he love you too?
CALYPSO: I – I don’t know. But I want the chance to find out.
DON: You’re sure it isn’t just “guppy love”?
CALYPSO: No. This is the real thing.
DON: There’s only one thing for it. Carpe diem.
CALYPSO: Seize the fish?
DON: There is one way you can become human.
CALYPSO: That’s impossible.
DON: If the NDP and the Greens can form a coalition, anything can happen.
CALYPSO: Then tell me, how do I do it?
DON: Wait! Once you become human, you will have to leave the ocean forever. The beautiful coral. Your fish friends. Me.
CALYPSO: I love you, Codfather. But Airwick is my destiny.
DON: Are you sure?
CALYPSO: I’m sure.
DON: (sighs) Then I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse. There is someone who has a magic potion that can turn you into a human.
CALYPSO: Who? Who?
DON: Someone who practices the dark arts of treachery and deception.
CALYPSO: Christy Clark? [or other current reference]
CALYPSO and QUEEN
CALYPSO: Excuse me, sir.
QUEEN: (Turns around) I beg your pardon?!
CALYPSO: Have you seen Airwick?
CALYPSO: Oh, are you new here, too? Airwick is some kind of prince, which means he’s very important.
CALYPSO: Yes, but mostly, he’s just really cute. And so nice. I like him a lot.
QUEEN: You like him?
CALYPSO: Yes, very much. I hope that we get to dance and he falls in love with me and kisses me before midnight so I get to keep my legs and we can live happily ever after.
CALYPSO: Yes, mine are brand new. Check them out. (Lifts her dress to show off legs.) What are yours like?
QUEEN: My legs? (Calypso lifts the Queen’s dress.)
CALYPSO: Wow, they’re huge!
QUEEN: (Pushing Calypso away.) How rude! Stop that at once. (Queen sneezes and starts to scratch her arms.)
CALYPSO: That’s awesome! Do you think my legs will ever be like yours? Oh, I hope so.
QUEEN: Thank you, I think. You were looking for Airwick? (She points while continuing to scratch.) Aksel! You’ve put fish on the menu! My allergies are acting up again. Quick, bring me the calamine lotion!
QUEEN and AKSEL
QUEEN: That reminds me, Aksel! Please bring me my herbal remedies. (Aksel exits and returns with a trolley of bottles and jars.) They’re the secret to my youthful appearance and calm demeanour. (Sudden change of temperament) Oh my stars and garters! My future Daughter-in-law is a- a-
AKSEL: A mermaid!
QUEEN: No, no, a slave! Bring me my fortifying tonic! We must set her free at once!
AKSEL: Right away, majesty. (Rummages on trolley) Now, where is it? You want the ginseng powder?
AKSEL: Solution of arrowroot?
AKSEL: Narwhal horn elixir?
AKSEL: Ah, here it is, the venti 2 pump white mocha doubleshot. (Pulls out a Starbucks travel cup.)
QUEEN: That should do the trick nicely. Now, do we have any herbal remedies for breathing underwater?
AKSEL: There’s stinkwort. (Holds up small vial)
SCRAPE: Will that help us hold our breath?
AKSEL: No, it makes other people hold their breath. (Opens vial. Everyone reacts to the terrible smell and holds their breath.)
QUEEN: That will never do.
AKSEL: (Replaces the lid on the vial and thinks for a beat.) I know! The royal scientists have been working on a kind of Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Perhaps they can help.
QUEEN: Right, to the royal laboratories! Then we will find this grotto! (All exit except Airwick.)
URSULA and CALYPSO
URSULA: (to audience) Friends! Friends! Everyone has noisy, rotten, laughing, dancing, tweeting, Facebooking friends – except MEEEE. (URSULA starts bawling.) I don’t know why everyone finds me so unattractive. My back goes out more than I do. I tried wearing a peekaboo blouse. Men peeked, then they booed. I felt so bad I started going to the doctor every week – where else would a man ask me to take off my clothes? I said, “Doctor, why do men always run away from me?” He said, “You’re mean and nasty.” So I said, “I want a second opinion.” He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”
(URSULA cries. CALYPSO, touched, comes back.)
CALYPSO: Are you all right?
URSULA: (wiping her eyes) You did not see that, understand?
CALYPSO: Why – you’re lonely, aren’t you? Just because you’re different. I – I know what that’s like. I’m different from the other fish too. And I’ve never even met another human.
URSULA: You’re not missing anything. Humans smell worse than mermaids.
CALYPSO: I dream of meeting someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I bet you do too.
URSULA: Yuck. You and I are as different as Princess Kate and Lady Gaga.
CALYPSO: I bet we’re more alike than you think.
URSULA: Oh yeah? (brandishing a magic wand from a coral reef) I bet you can’t do magic.
CALYPSO: Black magic!
URSULA: Once you’ve tried black, you never go back.
CALYPSO: I’m not even sure I believe all those stories about you. I bet you don’t even have any real magic.
URSULA: (staggers back.) You! Don’t! Believe! (to audience) She doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
(Magic music. URSULA produces a fancy red fish out of nowhere magically.)
CALYPSO: (Unimpressed) What was that.
URSULA: A red herring.